The Passionate Love of a Husband and Father: How Quickly They Turn to Bitterness and Distance

As I contemplate my own struggles as a father and husband, with multiple responsibilities and passions, I cannot help but wonder where a loving and obviously dedicated husband and father could become so distant and so bitter? As it is for so many families in this present "go and conquer"  society men have been forced to choose between their families and their heartfelt drive to accomplish. You add in the difficult times of a spouse with mental illness, the need for the closeness of a wife and a child presenting with behavioral issues produces a new frontier many families cannot navigate through alone. It is at this juncture where a family therapist can present new ways to see the family structure and its strength to overcome and adapt to a new way of functioning. 

The Case of a Young Family and The Need for a Close Father and Husband

            I had the privilege of working with a family that was fitting of this contemplation of mine and may have even been the cause of it. For the sake of confidentiality and following ethical guidelines, much of this case is from my viewpoint as a therapist. The family consisted of a husband, wife and a single child of 9 years of age. Without many details, the mother went through a strong and lengthy battle with postpartum depression, which left the husband and new father to become an overnight caretaker of his wife and newborn. The struggles were real and at times the mother did not have the energy or even willingness to care for either husband or child. 

           

          While it is common for mothers to experience postpartum depression this specific case was a time where the father was "all in" when his wife and child needed him the most. I asked the question in the second session "how did we go from great father to distant husband"? This was a question I didn't necessarily want an answer to right away but posed to have some thought. What I expected happened next, is the wife presented in the next 4 minutes exactly how and the solution. 

           
        As I began to see this family weekly I saw the husband become less and less engaged in sessions. His wife was always about the words either used or not and the one in which he barely said anything afterwhile. I was reminded of a book I had read earlier in the week prior to our next session and decided to probe the family with some thoughts concerning power and dynamics within the existing family culture.  The book penned by Harry Aponte flushed out, "Family members must have enough power in the family to be able to protect their personal interests in the family at all times, while keeping the well-being of the other members, and of the family as a whole, in mind." (Aponte, 1976). 
       As I found out there was more to this distance and bitterness from the husband that I believe even he had blocked from his consciousness. It was as if in the process of being the caretaker of his wife and now child due to the depression of his wife had robbed him of a sense of power and position. A place where he could no longer balance his own meaning of life and the sense of power that consists of the well being of the family.

      This family left the therapy sessions eventually needing to continue work in many ways, but because we as a team took the time away from the business of schedules, work and the balance of them both the capacity for the process had increased and we were confident they had what was needed to succeed. This is the essence of Marriage of First, to take the time out away from it all and focus on what matters first. It is this time tucked away from the sight of a world that may be chaotic and place the other first. This couple saw a hope again for their family and found if they want to stand the testings to come they will need the other to be at their best before the trials come and invest now to fight it together later.

THOUGHTS? 

References:
Aponte, H. (1976). Underorganization in the poor family. In P. Guerin (Ed.), Family therapy: Theory and practice. New York: Gardner